I am very very very depressed right now and cannot think of one person I want to share my thoughts/feelings with… nobody who will understand or sympathize and won’t turn around and say; “It is your fault”.

I am not happy… haven’t been happy in a long time. Every time I see a glimpse of it on the horizon someone curses it away. Life is like a game of snakes and ladders… there are few ladders and lots of snakes swirling around.

You might argue that others have it much worse… I don’t care about anyone else but myself… I want to be happy even if it is at the cost of someone else. I haven’t done this in a long long time… switched on the laptop just to blog about my feelings.

Do you know whats my fear? That I will fall ill and wont have anywhere to take rest or anyone to take care of me. That is my biggest fear… call it crazy.

I also realized that I am still unable to express my deepest thoughts verbally. I don’t think I can “talk” about these things… Very strange considering that I have a lot of friends…

I feel much better now… didn’t expect to. Chatting with Merlin also helped… a lot. I don’t know what connection I have with this person…

My mind is playing If… then… else… with various scenarios.

Then there are times I am so angry I want to take revenge from people who have hurt me… even though I don’t believe in holding grudges.

Sometimes the anger erupts like a volcano and nothing can calm it down except stinging tears.